Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Regret.

One of the surprising things about losing my Mom was my extreme regret.  Especially in the first weeks.

I thought the thing the cancer gave you was the chance to say good bye. To do and say the things one wanted to. To leave nothing unsaid or undone.  To leave nothing to regret.

Even though I told my Mom a thousand times I loved her in her last month, it doesn't feel like enough. I regret I did not tell her what I loved about her. How I loved her.

I regret I did not take more photos. Since December, I suspected her decline was imminent.  I had one measly picture of her at Christmas and one at Easter. I took a few on my birthday in April.  One Mother's Day weekend I took many photos, but I wished the ones of Mom and me turned out better. I wished I had one photo with my parents and brothers. I wished I had one with my Mom and both my kids.

I regret that in her last week we had sent out an email to friends telling them of her decline and giving them the chance to say what they wanted.   

I  regret that I could not help her more in her discomfort (which I grant you was mild on the cancer patient scale). 

I regret that I didn't see her more in the past six months. I regret I stayed home on the Wednesday before she died, one precious day I lost with her.

I think the worst of the regret is behind me.  At least I hope so.  Sometimes the regrets seeps into my thinking but I try not to dwell on it.  But I think I am on the road to acceptance.  Acceptance that I cannot change that she is gone and I cannot go back and re-do any of it.

It is one month since she left us.   A month ago she was living. Breathing. Talking. Now she is not.  It feels like six months.  I wonder if that will ever change. Will two months feel like a year? A year feel like ten years?

1 comment:

Beth said...

heather, one day you will wake up and your first thought will not be the ache in your heart ... it truly will happen or we'd all slowly go insane ... it won't happen for a while but it will ... and your regrets will turn to thankfullness ... thankful that your mom didn't suffer ... thankful that you were with her at the end ... thankful that you are there for your dad ... but the depth of grief you feel gives value to your mom and your relationship with her ... allow yourself time to grieve ... and though no one wants to hear it, time truly does heal ...