Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dear Motherhood Central Office

I am submitting my resignation from Motherhood.  I cite intolerable working conditions. 

Just in the past few weeks I have had to endure the following:

1. Serial refusals to:
  • eat,
  • go to school, 
  • sleep,
  • shower,
  • brush teeth
  • wear clean underwear,
  • flush the toilet, and
  • wear Mommy approved matching outfits.
2. Perpetual:
  • removal of couch cushions to surrounding  floor.
  • requests demands for food within 8 minutes of a meal ending and insistence that "I'm not hungry anymore". 
  • denials of existence, understanding and awareness of homework, despite "math homework p. 256" written in planner by denier's own hand.
3. Unreasonable requests with 8.75 year old at 10:30 p.m., such as:
  • having to explain, in full anatomical detail and with diagrams, why or how the eye balls stay in the head. And whether if you pull it out will it go back in. And if you push it in, will it come back out.
  • having to justify why, if the nose contains nasal passages that go into the respiratory system, when you pick your nose does your finger not go all the way to your throat, but rather, hits "some sort of spongy wall".
  • providing ideas on how to make "a little book just like this girl had at school and I don't want to make it by just cutting up paper into little pages to make the book because that would take a million years".
4. Pointless Discussions with a 7 year old, such as:
  • defending my position that 'make' is spelled M-A-K-E and not M-A-C-K as the 7 year old insists she learned in grade 1, supported with the evidence "we had a song about it and everything".
  • explaining why you can only show up at birthday parties at the appointed time and why you can't go two hours early if you have nothing else better to do.
  • justifying "why I should have to comb my hair when it's so tangly".
I am handing back the trappings of motherhood acquired on birth of my eldest. I think you will find all to be in tact:
  • Eyes from the back of my head
  • Extra pair of arms to be able to breastfeed a baby, sooth a toddler, answer the phone and cook dinner at the same time.
  • Divining rod which allowed me to know when the "Mommy, I need you" means "I'm too lazy to change the TV channel" and when it means "I'm about to throw up".
  • Photographic memory which allowed me to remember where Pink Puppy was last seen and remember where and when the birthday party is this weekend even if I only saw the invite for 30 seconds before it was spirited away "somewhere super safe and secret".
I understand that the following will be returned to me:
  • free time,
  • sanity,
  • opportunity to finish a sentence,
  • a clean car interior,
  • pre pregnancy body,
  • ability to appreciate jokes where punchline does not include "fart" or "poo".
Yours truly,

Weary Mommy
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Dear Weary Mommy,

We received your most recent letter of resignation.  We would  like to point out that before having kids:
  • the interior of your car wasn't that clean,
  • your sanity was, even then, questionable,
  • you used to interrupt your own sentences,
  • who are you kidding about the pre pregnancy body?
We cannot accept your resignation unless you also return to us all of the following:
  • all art work, Christmas, Mother's Day and holiday cards created by your children, especially the ones that say "hopy brfday" and "i wuv yoo".
  • all videos and pictures of children since birth, especially the ones that take your breath away due to extreme adorableness.
  • appreciation for:
    • simple things in life -  like Popsicle on a hot days or meeting a new puppy.
    • the beauty of a ladybug, or fall leaves or a really good fart joke.
    • an imagination that makes a walk in the woods a magical stroll in the spooky forest.
  • the ability to leave work at work.
  • the knowledge of what is important in life.
  • the feeling that your heart is bursting.
Motherhood Central Office

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Dear Motherhood Central Office,

Never mind.

Mommy, a little less weary.

1 comment:

Chandni Appadurai said...

Funny and touching! I love to read your blog entries. Hoping you get some rest over the weekend:)