Saturday, October 23, 2010

Professional. Freakin'. Development.

It's that time of year.  Well it happens about every 3 weeks but Friday the teachers were developing themselves professionally.  That means I was robbed of my Friday, my only not-paid-to-work-weekday, and six hours to do stuff I love (blogging) and stuff I don't love (grocery shopping).

This particular day coincides every year it seems with Husband's conference where he is gone from Thursday to Sunday.  So it is a full-on-three-day-weekend-with-Mommy.  I maintained a positive attitude, and made it a day the kids could look forward to. The kids are right now obsessed with decorating the house for Halloween.  Every year we buy a few new things to decorate the house.  The kids and I planned to buy some new things on Friday. Really, I am getting so good at this parenting thing, I will share some of my best secrets:

1. WORST THING YOU CAN DO: plan a fun outing on professional development days. This will mean almost 9 year old son will get up at crack of dawn asking when Walmart opens. This not only ensures there will be no sleeping in, but also guarantees a fatigued boy all freakin' day long.

2. SECOND WORST THING YOU CAN DO: plan lunch out at IHOP when the entire province has the day off of school. Half of them will go to IHOP for brunch.  Even if you get there early for lunch there will be crowds of leftover brunchers. Pancakes will be slow to be delivered and by that time threats will be made and the mood will have soured. Interesting note, Jackson has a constructive suggestion for the good folks at IHOP. Their motto is "come hungry, leave happy".  J Boy suggests that could be changed to "come hungry, leave angry" due to excessive waitage.

3. ALSO NOT RECOMMENDED: a trip to the dollar store when the a certain boy I'll just call "J Boy" is obsessed with getting crime scene tape and the store will not carry.  He will be less than accommodating and more dictator-like due to disappointment. 

4. HELPFUL HINT: do not assume you won't run into anyone you know and go out without makeup just because you're having a moderately good hair day. This will be the day you run into three families from school plus your daughter's teacher.

5. NOTE TO SELF: in case you were wondering where the other half the province was that was not at the IHOP, they will be at Walmart buying Halloween costumes.

My only actual helpful piece of advice to myself  for the next professional development day is that no matter how unravelled things can become with a hungry boy at IHOP, the day is not all lost.   Keeping them out of the house for 4 hours on the IHOP/dollar store/Walmart and then renting a Wii game and movie at Rogers will produce a rather peaceful and calm evening to regain sanity to start all over again on day 2.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Boys Weekend. Girls Weekend.

Jackson and Husband headed out camping this past weekend with the Cubs.   Husband, being the exceptional parent, went so Jackson would feel comfortable in this new environment.  Though I have done a little camping in my day, we have not managed to camp as a family, unless you count where Jackson sleeps in Sydney's room, or Sydney sleeps in Jackson's room and we call it camping.

With garbage bags stuffed with sleeping accouterments and backpacks full of long underwear and warm clothing destined not to be worn, off they went.

By some accounts the weekend went well: active games, campfire skits and an impressive near mutiny display of teamwork on the 8 kilometer hike when the Cubs unified in a chorus of "let's turn back!!"

I think the low points of the overnight were a complete and utter lack of sleep, REM or otherwise for both of my boys.  Apparently they are not used to sleeping a) on a thin foamy b) on hard ground c) in the company of 17 noisy 9 year olds.

What were the girls up to?  Well, we had an exciting girls' time. Sydney and I made a long-awaited trip to Build-a-Bear she happily spent a birthday gift card.  She deliberated mightily before choosing Ruby and a stylish outfit, with a only a modest contribution from her allowance.

We enjoyed a girls-only movie night and watched a Barbie movie and ate chocolate covered pretzels. 

At bedtime, I told her she could fall asleep in Daddy's side of the bed.  This is prohibited territory for the under 40 set at night and she was ever so pleased to fall asleep in the big bed. I told her I would move her after she fell asleep to her own bed. I usually watch TV before bed and I didn't want to have too much explaining to do the next morning. 

But after I cleaned the kitchen, I was tired so I went to bed on the early side and reveled in her sleepy sighs.  I looked forward to the waking up cuddles.

Imagine my shock at 5 a.m. to see that she had disappeared. Of course the first thing that I thought of, having spent way too much time watching cable news, was that she was kidnapped.  But even in my sleep-deprived state I knew the odds of a middle-of-the-night abduction were remote.  Remoter still were abductions where pillow, blanket and new-found friend Ruby also disappeared.  You don't have to be much of a detective to know that Sydney left for the familiar sights and smells of her own bed.

In the morning I asked why she had left.

"I couldn't sleep." She paused ever so briefly. "You were snoring."

Monday, October 18, 2010

We Have a Winner

Congrats to CARRIE who won the jewellery give-away from Shining Stones

Carrie has a blog Growing a Baby Reviews where she reviews products that busy parents need.  From peeking at her blog she was a toxicologist in her previous life, which I think must really come in handy when identifying mysterious spots and smells on the couch, in car seats or on favourite sweater.

But I may be overstating the qualifications. By that logic, a law degree and 20 years practicing law should qualify me to win an argument with my children occasionally.  As you all know, that rarely happens.

Thank you to all who entered!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Busy. Season.

We are in the middle of our family busy season. As I previously blogged about September to November, life is, to say the least, hectic. It feels like we don’t have time to focus, process or breathe. This is my excuse for lack of substantial blogs lately. I actually have bunches of ideas that I have scribbled down on a list. At least half of them, I can actually ready my handwriting and know what I wanted to say. I just literally do not have time to sit at the computer and pound away.

By now we are well-ensconced in the cozy routine of school. I won’t say that homework (i.e. spelling practice) is exactly treated with enthusiasm, but I have at least grudging acknowledgement that Mommy won’t shut up until both children have obliged

The kids are in Cubs and Brownies respectively. While we really love these activities and the outward focus, they are volunteer organization and volunteer means fundraising. So we are simulatenously selling cookies and pop corn.  Plus there is always a list of things to do, remember, bring or assemble. I spent the past couple of weeks acquiring items for a survival kit for Jackson's upcoming camping trip. Hunting for waterproof matches and gauze pads in between everything else.

To give you a taste of what a-day-in-the-life, I present Tuesday to you:

6:00 a.m.: Alarm goes off. Ignore it.
6:20 a.m.: Grudgingly get up, get dressed, grab breakfast, run to bus stop.
7:55 a.m.: Arrive at work with Starbucks.
7:56 a.m.: to 4:29 p.m.: Work without stopping except to pee, to reload on coffee or complain with colleagues about amount of work.
4:30 p.m.: Leave work and run for train.
4:40 p.m.: Breathe enormous sigh of relief that I have 20 minute train ride and can enjoy crossword puzzle.
4:41 p.m.: Receive email that urgent assistance is requested by a colleague (who helps me unquestioningly when I need it).
4:41 to 5:35 p.m.: Read extensive emails and process the question posed.
5:36 p.m.: Grab bowl of dinner made by Husband and head to computer to deal with work problem.
6:20 p.m.: Head downstairs to see if Jackson has all his accoutrements for Cub. Remember that we have to transfer his survival pack from Ziploc bag to fanny pack.
6:21 p.m.: Realize that all things will not fit and pare down survival pack to few items. Debate what items Jackson will not need to survive.
6:31 p.m.: Herd kids to car. Ensure Jackson has survival kit, Cub manual and $1 in dues. Ensure Husband has everything he needs for church meeting.
6:35 p.m.: Back out of driveway.
6:43 p.m.: Arrive at school for Cubs inordinantly impressed that we are 2 minutes early.
6:44 p.m.: Realize Jackson forgot Cub manual at home on stairs and Husband forgot church key at home.
6:45 p.m.: Race home to retrieve manual and keys.
6:50 p.m.: Drop off Cub manual.
6:55 p.m.: Drop off Husband at church for meeting.
6:56 p.m.: Drive to grocery store to buy cheese buns, which they were out of the previous 2 attempts and which is the only  meal item Sydney will accept for lunch without an excessive amount of complaining.
6:59 p.m.: Flip open Sydney’s planner and quiz her on spelling.
7:01 p.m.: Try to think up a way for Sydney to remember CHURNS is not spelled CHERNS.
7:06 p.m.: Try to think up a way for Sydney to remember HUNGRY has an N in the middle of it. And only one G.
7:15 p.m.: Realize grocery store is AGAIN out of 6 pack of cheese buns.
7:20 p.m.: Line up to buy single cheese buns (the last 3) at extortionate rate.
7:27 p.m.: Try to explain to Sydney why BOILED is not spelled BOYLD.
7:33 p.m.: Try to explain to Sydney that REALLY is REALLY not spelled RILLY.
7:36 p.m.: Explain to Sydney that even though we have gone over all of her spelling words, we need to keep working on his because the test is one day away and the idea is to be able to spell some of the words correctly. Rilly.
7:51 p.m.: Arrive back at school with spelling practice completed. 9 minutes early for Cub ‘investment’ ceremony.
7:56 p.m.: Head to gym for ceremony.
8:10 p.m.: Try not to look annoyed that ceremony not yet started.
8:23 p.m.: Receive FIVE crests and badges that need to be affixed to Jackson’s Cub uniform by Friday for camping trip.
8:25 p.m.Chase down kids, who are running around gym with 20 other kids. Usher them to car.
8:35 p.m.: Tell kids it’s bedtime.
8:36 p.m.: Try not to blow stack when children whine “but we just got home!!”
8:59 p.m.: Tuck Sydney in. Tell Jackson I will not be responsible for my actions if he goes into Sydney’s room ONE MORE FREAKIN’ TIME!
9:01 p.m.: Start cleaning up kitchen. Much on deliciosu cheesy Bits and Bites mix. I deserve it.
9:15 p.m. Start on lunches.
9:16 p.m. Knock over large bowl of Bits and Bites mix.
9:17 p.m.: Clean up mix.
9:26 p.m.: Vacuum floor.
9:37 p.m.: Vacuum floor again with real vacuum.
9:46 p.m.: Back to making lunches.
9:59 p.m.: Return to computer to work on work problem.
10:00 p.m.:  Turn on TV and watch coverage of Chilean miners emerging from their 69 day confinement underground.
10:01 p.m.: Realize, things aren't that bad.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Date Night!

 What is this girl up to?
Why is she so dressed up?
 Date night with Daddy! 
Long before Husband or I really appreciated how MUCH WORK raising a family is, we had idealistic ideas about how we would cultivate good relationships with our kids.  This was before we knew how little time we would spend in a day not saying "put-you-shoes-on-eat-your-dinner-brush-your-teeth-turn-off-the-lights-pick-up-your-jacket-flush-the-toilet".  Those moments where we can just be. Enjoy each other.

Back in those idealistic days, we decided that we would each have dates with our kids every month.  One-on-one time doing something fun. We'd alternate kids so the one-on-one is equally distributed.  This happens, in actual fact, rarely.

I have gone to a few fairy/princess/pixie type movies with Sydney.  Once in a while I'll bring her along on errands and we'll window shop at the mall for clothes and shoes, and I'll call that Girl Time.  John and Jackson have had the odd boy-themed excursion involving a hardware store.  But these are infrequent.  And we don't seem to find the time for cross-gendered (ie. Daddy-daughter, Mommy-son) adventures.

Last Saturday, Sydney told her Daddy she wanted a dinner date with Daddy.  Husband looked in the calendar for a spare hour and found some spare minutes the following weekend. And date they did!
Husband was really a good sport about going on a Friday night.  He is tired then, from a long week of work commuting and doing his bit to keep the household running.  Sydney donned her "disco dress" (see here) jewellery and even threw a clip in her hair.  She even put on her fashion boots! Daddy gamely went on a date with his daughter.

The pair were gone quite a while.  I imagined the Friday night crash of the don't-want-to-turn-on-the-oven-to-insert-frozen-pizza-or-eat-Cheerios-for-dinner crowd and wondered how Sydney will have done with the wait. I knew she had been hungry. 

They came home and Sydney says to me "did you wonder why we were gone so long Mommy?".  She looked at her Daddy with a sly and private smile. Where did she learn that?

"Where were you?" I asked.

"We went to the mall. To look at shoes and clothes."

Apparently, while at dinner, she wanted to do one more "activity" and window shopping for shoes and clothes, was it.

I'd love to tell you much, much more but right now I have to prepare for an activity with my boy. I have to Google "fart joke conventions" and see if anything is coming up.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Thankful

With the annual giving of thanks upon us,  I present another original poem:

I am Thankful For ..
By Sydney

I am thankful for my school.
I am thankful for fresh water.
I am thankful for the tetmits for cansre.
I am thankful for plants.
I am thankful for food.
I am thankful for my frend's.
I am thankful for our houses.
I am thankful for rain.
I am thankful for Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for my big brother.
I am thankful for fruit and vegys.
I am thankful for my fish.
I am thankful for cars.
I am thankful for my class.


I, too, am thankful for much. 

For a husband who is not allergic to laundry or cleaning
For kids and their enthusiastic approach to life even if this means a HIGH VOLUME household at times. 
For jobs that keeps the kids in video games so that the volume can occasionally be lower.
For friends who get me, for other friends who don't get me but put up with me.
For good physical health and good mental health at least some days.

I am hopeful that next year we'll crack the top 14 in Sydney's thankful list.

p.s. we only have one house! I don't know what she was talking about unless you could that playhouse which we signed over to raccoons.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Creativity

I had always thought that I was creative, but in non traditional ways.  I can barely draw a stick figure.  There is no word that intimidates me more than SCRAPBOOKING.  Any craft I have ever done with either kid is either thanks to mother google or an excessive amount of glitter glue, which I have discovered disguises an appalling lack or originality.

But, I believe my approach to the practice of law is creative. I think I have a lot of creative ways of tidying -using dishwasher, oven, dryer and laundry baskets to store a lot of stuff when people are coming over.  And my not-so-secret desire to become a published author I suppose belies some belief that I could make up some story that someone would read.

I think my creative juices flow most freely when I am trying to get my kids to do something I want. Like the time when Jackson was 4 and I really wanted him to wear a cute outfit to a family gathering but he was really attached to his jam-stained favourite shirt and pyjama bottoms.  When all rational measures of persuasion, threats and begging failed and we were in a time crunch, I bribed him with chocolate.

Also in the offering of 'choices', which is supposed to be the parental key to the kingdom, I think I can come up with a creative number of choices.  So instead of "do you want to do your homework?" it's:

Where do you want to do homework?

a) at the kitchen table
b) under the kitchen table,
c) in your bed
d) under your bed,
e) in the car on the way home from school

When do you want to do your homework?

a) right now
b) in 5 minutes
c) in 10 minutes
d) right after I call someone else's Mommy to figure out what the homework is
e) anything later than 10 minutes from now but then I'm going to remind you every 30 seconds that you promised to do homework "right after I make this movie and do all the captions and credits, and show it to you Daddy and Sydney and post it to You Tube"

Which homework do you want to do first?

a) spelling
b) home reading
c) the made up homework because I don't ever think you'll learn the times tables.

It turns out our kids are finding their own creative bent. Sydney likes to do all manner of craft and drawing.  I won't say that she is destined for the Musee de Louvre in Paris, but she does like creating a million messy projects that litter the kitchen table artistic masterpieces.

Jackson is legendary (in this house) for not only for creating comics and books, but for trying to sell them for either 1 cent each or $100 each.

You can see that the recycle bin special place I put the children's creations overfloweth

But in the hours-he-should-be-sleeping last night Jackson created the following quiz. Feel free to take it. I think he may have a future as a magazine quiz writer (all spelling and punctuation as written by author):

Favorite Serise

a) Percey Jackson
b) Harry Potter
c) NarNia
d) the Guardians

at night you ...

a) Draw
b) make a review on a bloody game
c) Draw a adventure
d) Sleep

with blocks you build ...

a) maze
b) nothing
c) castle
d) train

What do you do on a weekend?

a) draw
b) spray paint a building
c) make up a Quest
d) do your homework

in the morning you ...

a) go on the computer
b) lazely play PS2
c) have a battle in your cereal
d) watch treehouse

Favorite animal

a) lion
b) snake
c) fantasy creatures
d) Dog

Favorite couler

a) red
b) black
c) gold
d) pink - yellow and blue

you stay up till ...

a) 10:00 or 11:00
b) 12:00 or 1:00
c) 8:00 or 8:30
d) 7:00 or 7:15

Favorite school subject

a) Math
b) nothing
c) art
d) Play time

_______________________________
mostly a's   rank: normal kid 8-9
mostly b's   rank: teenager 10-14
mostly c's   rank: kidish 4-5
mostly d's   rank: little kid 6-7

I will say two things. 

First, Sydney is completely perterbed that she ranked as her age at 6-7 but Jackson termed that "little kid". Meanwhile Jackson's rank is "normal kid 8-9".

Second, I think he has a fairly stereotypical view of teenagers.  They:
  • stay up late
  • show interest in only playing bloody video games
  • sleep
  • like black snakes
  • hate school
  • spraypaint buildings 
Even more alarming, is that "teenager" starts at 10. I can hardly wait.

Seven Year Old Speak

I received this email from my friend Jenn. We exchange children one after-school a week. This was her day to have my two plus hers. 

Message to: Konnie
Message from: Jenn

RE: OVERHEARD IN OUR FAMILY ROOM JUST NOW

Sydney is working on her Secret Stuff for Girls book, with Noah's help (which is not such a secret girl thing to do, but I digress). They have filled in eye and hair colour, height, etc and the next question is "People tell me I look like:???"

So, Noah very seriously looks Sydney up and down and she very dutifully stands still so he can assess who she looks like. And Noah comes up with: "A goalpost". Which she happily writes down and the two of them carry on without blinking an eye. I, on the other hand, am doubled over laughing in the kitchen at the pure beauty and honesty of 7 year olds!!!

Hope you had a good day!

PS - I eventually intervened and we changed goalpost to "my Mom" ;)

Sunday, October 3, 2010

FREE STUFF!!!

READ TO END FOR CHANCE AT FREE GIVEAWAY!

I love free stuff. Anytime they are handing out free promotional coconut deodorant or cat food samples downtown I am lining up. Who can turn down something free! Even if we don't own a cat and I am severely allergic to them. And to coconut,

I sign up for way too many 'free' draws, only to find myself on endless email lists or the recipient of an excessive amount of unsolicited mail. But I can't stop myself. 

And I have a well-established system of clipping coupons, which is not exactly free stuff, I realize, but free money.  Here is how I do it:

Step 1: Cut out coupon from bottom of sandwich bag box.
Step 2: Put coupon in Basket of Important Coupons to reap benefit of 40 cent savings in future.
Step 3: When cutting out another coupon for sandwich bags 2 months later, forget about Basket of Important Coupons and create Envelope of Important Coupons.
Repeat Step 3 until 10 Important Places for Coupons are strategically located throughout the house.
Step 4: Do NOT put Basket or Envelope or other 8 Important Coupon Places anywhere easily accessible.
Step 5: Forget about Basket and Envelope and 8 other Important Places for Coupons.
Step 6: Do not stop cutting coupons, just leave them littering the kitchen counter, dining room table and fireplace mantle or anywhere else there is free space.
Step 7: When weekly shopping needs to be done and sandwich bags are needed, forget about any coupon until about six months later and then spend an entire sunny Saturday afternoon looking in vain for it.
Step 8: Two years later when looking for any kind of socks for either child to wear because the last laundry day was skipped, discover sandwich bag coupon and note expiry date 2.5 years previous.
Step 9: Put coupon back on counter/dining room table/fireplace mantle.

I know it's a lot of steps but I really think it is worth the effort that one time every 9 years when I manage to save 30 cents on soup.

But, I write this post with an ACTUAL free giveaway. I have a friend Ellie who I have not met in real life owing to the 3000 miles/4500 kilometers between us.  But she really is my friend because she has two kids and she writes about them (and other stuff) on her blog One Crafty Mother and a lot of time when I am feeling really inadequate as a mother and blog about it, she will tell me that she went through the EXACT SAME THING the week before or that she thinks I am doing a good job and she is taking notes. 

If you haven't figured it out yet, one of my primary motivations in writing this blog (apart from being sure some literary agent will stumble upon it and want to get a book published and get me a $2 million advance) is hearing that other people have the same neurotic, traumatizing, fantastic and mind-numbing experiences.  It makes me feel a tiny bit less inadequate.  Plus, Ellie and I may actually be twins separated at birth (she is the MUCH younger version) because sometimes we write about the same things the same week. Like the time that I wrote about Parental Perfection almost the same day as she wrote about being Perfectly Imperfect as a parent.

Anyway Ellie, as the name of her blog suggests, is very crafty, but I don't hold that against her.  She makes beautiful and unique jewellery that she sells on her Etsy site (think flea market on the net). Her jewellery  is so incredibly well-priced and includes free shipping (EVEN TO CANADA!) that I have actually told her to increase her prices because I feel like I am stealing it. I think she may have just left a zero off  some of the prices or something.

Anyway, she is offering a free giveaway!! Yes, FREE GIVEAWAY to one person from my blog. The lucky winner can pick anything up to $35 in her shop! That would cover two rings, two earrings or a ring/earring set and most of the necklaces. Have a peak at some of the fantastic baubles:

I personally purchased thisSquare Swarovski Crystal Ring and this Perfect Pearl Ringand theseSapphire Blue Swarovski Drop Necklace Swarovski Crystal Briolette Earrings - Perfect for Special Occasions - Goes with everythingand purchased as gifts a few things tooStarfish Pendant Necklace - Great Teacher's Gift Luscious Caramel Swarovski Crystal Briolette Pendant Necklace.


All you have to do is  say "enter me" in a comment on my blog or in a comment where I posted the Facebook link and I'll get one or both of the Bickersons my adorable charming children to pick a name at random.  This is open for two weeks, until October 17th!  Make sure you leave contact info (obviously I have it on Facebook). You can also email me at hills@telus.net if you don't want to publish your email addy.

And if you cannot believe the price and adorableness of the jewellery and want to get a jump on your Christmas shopping or you really think you deserve something for just getting through September, Ellie is also offer a 15% discount on your complete order! To take advantage, go to Ellie's shop here http://www.shiningstones.etsy.com/ and select your item or items. At checkout, click on "other" for method of payment, and put the following promotional code in the message to seller: GIVEAWAY15.


I wonder if I am allowed to enter the giveaway on my own blog?

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Dear Motherhood Central Office

I am submitting my resignation from Motherhood.  I cite intolerable working conditions. 

Just in the past few weeks I have had to endure the following:

1. Serial refusals to:
  • eat,
  • go to school, 
  • sleep,
  • shower,
  • brush teeth
  • wear clean underwear,
  • flush the toilet, and
  • wear Mommy approved matching outfits.
2. Perpetual:
  • removal of couch cushions to surrounding  floor.
  • requests demands for food within 8 minutes of a meal ending and insistence that "I'm not hungry anymore". 
  • denials of existence, understanding and awareness of homework, despite "math homework p. 256" written in planner by denier's own hand.
3. Unreasonable requests with 8.75 year old at 10:30 p.m., such as:
  • having to explain, in full anatomical detail and with diagrams, why or how the eye balls stay in the head. And whether if you pull it out will it go back in. And if you push it in, will it come back out.
  • having to justify why, if the nose contains nasal passages that go into the respiratory system, when you pick your nose does your finger not go all the way to your throat, but rather, hits "some sort of spongy wall".
  • providing ideas on how to make "a little book just like this girl had at school and I don't want to make it by just cutting up paper into little pages to make the book because that would take a million years".
4. Pointless Discussions with a 7 year old, such as:
  • defending my position that 'make' is spelled M-A-K-E and not M-A-C-K as the 7 year old insists she learned in grade 1, supported with the evidence "we had a song about it and everything".
  • explaining why you can only show up at birthday parties at the appointed time and why you can't go two hours early if you have nothing else better to do.
  • justifying "why I should have to comb my hair when it's so tangly".
I am handing back the trappings of motherhood acquired on birth of my eldest. I think you will find all to be in tact:
  • Eyes from the back of my head
  • Extra pair of arms to be able to breastfeed a baby, sooth a toddler, answer the phone and cook dinner at the same time.
  • Divining rod which allowed me to know when the "Mommy, I need you" means "I'm too lazy to change the TV channel" and when it means "I'm about to throw up".
  • Photographic memory which allowed me to remember where Pink Puppy was last seen and remember where and when the birthday party is this weekend even if I only saw the invite for 30 seconds before it was spirited away "somewhere super safe and secret".
I understand that the following will be returned to me:
  • free time,
  • sanity,
  • opportunity to finish a sentence,
  • a clean car interior,
  • pre pregnancy body,
  • ability to appreciate jokes where punchline does not include "fart" or "poo".
Yours truly,

Weary Mommy
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Weary Mommy,

We received your most recent letter of resignation.  We would  like to point out that before having kids:
  • the interior of your car wasn't that clean,
  • your sanity was, even then, questionable,
  • you used to interrupt your own sentences,
  • who are you kidding about the pre pregnancy body?
We cannot accept your resignation unless you also return to us all of the following:
  • all art work, Christmas, Mother's Day and holiday cards created by your children, especially the ones that say "hopy brfday" and "i wuv yoo".
  • all videos and pictures of children since birth, especially the ones that take your breath away due to extreme adorableness.
  • appreciation for:
    • simple things in life -  like Popsicle on a hot days or meeting a new puppy.
    • the beauty of a ladybug, or fall leaves or a really good fart joke.
    • an imagination that makes a walk in the woods a magical stroll in the spooky forest.
  • the ability to leave work at work.
  • the knowledge of what is important in life.
  • the feeling that your heart is bursting.
Motherhood Central Office

---------------------------------------------------------

Dear Motherhood Central Office,

Never mind.

Mommy, a little less weary.