Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dear Tenants

You are hereby given your eviction notice effective immediately. 

You may have figured that out because we effectively changed the locks.  You will notice that access to the deck is gone, replaced by wood lattice. And large rocks now secure the chicken wire so you can't come in under the fence.  We know you can climb fences, we're just hoping you won't bother any more.

I know that it mere months ago that I welcomed you to the neighbourhood.  But what I saw yesterday made me shudder and sent Husband to the home improvement store for lattice.

You were having sex in our backyard. 

Before I get into just WHY this disturbs me, let me just say how refreshing it was that you, girl raccoon fell asleep immediately afterward.  However, I have completely rethought my impression of male raccoons as being gallant and gentlemanly, given that you went to the edge of the yard while your companion slept.  I do give you a small amount of credit for remaining in the yard while I made hissing sounds and obscene gestures with a stick. But really, you didn't come to her rescue? You don't know what kind of threat I can be.

I admit that you, like I, may have been puzzled as to why your lady friend would take one step and then lie down for a rest.  It really was taking her an eternity to join you. I give you credit for trying to help her up the rocks to your escape pod, but she really did not seem to appreciate being dragged by the scruff of her neck.

Back to the issue of public fornication. First and foremost,  I do not want you raising babies under our deck.  This is an adult only complex. Well under the deck, anyway.  I have quite enough children to ignore and I don't need raccoon offspring in the mix. I think the pair of you have really done sufficient damage. I know first hand how children destroy your house and leave a trail of fishy crackers behind them. 

Second, and more importantly, under no circumstances do I want to have to explain to my children just exactly what you were doing. I cannot risk you doing that again in broad daylight. 

I hope you that find a new and more suitable home soon!  I really, really, really hope that you are not still under the deck.  We  really can't tell.

Former Landlord.

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