I think perhaps we got off the on the wrong foot when my husband sprayed the hose at you (on my direction). We actually did not know that raccoons could climb fences and we were a little take aback to see you peering over the fence hanging by your paws. We now realize we needlessly spent the last year trying to plug holes in fences and gates to keep you out. We also realize you have no fear of us, our hoses, or even the inhumane sounds our children make in an effort to scare you away. So we are resigned pleased to become friendly neighbours.
We hope enjoyed all the blueberries off our bushes. If it's not too much to ask, would you mind not digging up the grass seed? We already have a weekly annuity paid to the home and garden centre due to my husband's yard management addiction and buying more seed, more soil, more fertilizer is just going to defer our retirement.
We, like you, enjoy the trees and wilderness and all nature has to offer in this area. This might be a good point to mention that our deck -- your new home -- is not a naturally occurring structure and you might do better back in the forest. But that's just me.
You should know that you can look forward to paint stain and fumes every summer because we buy the 15 year "GUARANTEED TO LAST" stain from the home and garden centre which does not get us through one winter.
I know that you think my tiny garden bed makes a great front door, but the thing is, when you claw your way in, you dig up the very few flowers that I have not managed to kill (mostly because my husband and daughter water them).
By way of peace offering, and since you're determined to be our neighbours, might I offer as an alternative to our deck, the clubhouse where my children never play?