Sunday, August 16, 2009

Kids Stay in School!

[Reposted from May 2008]

To all those kids out there that are wondering what use studying World War II or Chemistry will be, all this knowledge will not only come in handy, you’ll wish you did all those extra credit projects. That is, if you’re ever to become a parent (and most of us do).

Here is how the programme and curriculum could be recast for more appeal to the current generation. Bachelor of Helpful, Enlightened and Lucid Parenting. Or B. HELP for short.


Basic Science 100
New Name: How to Deal with Curious Preschoolers 100

You will understand and be able to answer the following questions:
- why some balloons will float to the sky when released and some won’t?
- why you can’t put a balloon together after it bursts?
- why the bike or ball will roll down the driveway and into the street and why it won’t roll back up?
- why it’s bedtime but the sun it still up; why it’s not bedtime but the sun has set?
- why you cannot conjure up snack foods while in the car stuck in traffic?

Advance Sciences 400
New Name: Science Projects 400

This senior level class will teach students how to do the following with materials found at home. All can be accomplished the night before science project is due:

- build 5 different kinds of volcanoes that spew.
- grow beans simulating 5 different climactic regions
- build a semi-conductor.
- recreate a galaxy with at least one black hole and two super novas.

Chemistry 400
New Name: Stains and Smells 400

Part I: Weekly labs you will explore the chemical properties of chocolate ice cream, ball point pen and “washable” paints and why they stain and what you can do to prevent this. ($500 lab fee for this portion of class to cover cleaning supplies).

Part II: Weekly labs will look at chemical interactions that will mask odor of vomit and urine. Special attention will be paid to car interiors and car seats. (Not for the faint of stomach).

Mathematics 100
New Name: Surviving Car-rides 100

This course will teach you to:

- calculate distances without measuring (how far is it to Grandma’s house exactly?)
- calculate time in seconds (how many seconds since I was born?)
- advanced estimation (how many cars do you think are on this highway right now?)

Health Sciences 100
New Name: Childhood Diseases, Aches and Pains 100

After this introductory class you will be able to:

- determine child’s temperature to the 100th of a degree using you’re the back of your hand.
- accurately predict when a fever means an ear ache or when you have to distribute bowls and towels throughout the house.
- check for lice while child eats snack and she thinks you’re just being affectionate.
- tell the difference between real and fake tummy aches in school-aged children.


English 100
New Name: Talking to Toddlers 100

After this class you will:

- be able to tell a toddler they cannot have a 7th cookie without using the word “no”.
- have at least ten polite synonyms for poo, fart and penis.
- be able to explain the difference between child calling brother “stupid” and parent calling SOB who cut you off in traffic “stupid”.

History 100: Dictators of the Twentieth Century
New Name: Temper Tantrums 100

You will understand the mindset of a child who:

- will hold breath and turn blue rather than clean up toys
- will pass on trip to Dairy Queen rather than eat 3 peas.
- would rather spend sunny afternoon is his room that say “I’m sorry” to his sister

History 400: Diplomacy and the Cold War
New Name: Bedtime 400

This senior level course will teach students to deal with all of the following nighttime excuses:

- need to find bear
- need to find the brown bear
- I'm thirsty
- I'm still thirsty
- have to pee
- forgot to brush teeth
- need snack
- need to brush teeth again after snack
- need to ask a question
- have a follow up question to the last question
- too quiet
- music too scary
- scared of the dark
- light in hall too bright
- you forgot to kiss me goodnight
- you forgot to hug me goodnight
- can’t sleep

Psychology 100
New Name: Staying One Step Ahead of Your Kids 100

After this class you will:

- understand power struggles and why you want to win as much as child does.
- know when to start using reverse psychology
- know when to stop using reverse psychology and start using reverse reverse psychology.- recognize when the child is using reverse psychology on you.

Psychology 400: Understanding Brain Biology
New Name: Increasing Your Memory and Speed Reading 400

After this senior level class you will:

- remember field trips whether the notice comes home 1 day before or 3 months before event and that special shoes, jacket, headwear is required.
- remember where all stuffies are for all children are at all times, including ones they dug out of ‘giveaway’ piles earlier in the day while you were at work.
- be able to speed-read through 40 pages of material that come home daily the first week of school and remember to send back permission slips, cheques for activities and personal contact information for you and 100 backup family members.
- be able to read every road or store sign while driving so you are prepared for “what did that sign mean?” question while driving.


Physical Education 100
New Name: Keeping Track of Stuff 100

This course focuses on stamina and strength so you can:

- 5 sprints back to car from shopping mall/school/church for purse (because you were carrying child, diaper bag, blanket and stuffed bear and pushing stroller with other hand), then wallet (because you forgot that you hid it under kleenex box at school drop-off), special art project, special green pencil crayon and stuffies.
- run up and down the stairs 27 times every morning finding library books, stuffies, lunch bags and clean socks.
- run up and down the stairs 27 times every night getting snacks, drinks, stuffies, blankies and the right CD to play for bedtime (“that one that has the nice music in the middle of it”)

Physical Education 200
New Name: Pain and Endurance 200

This senior level course is geared at increasing pain threshold and endurance so that you can:

- step on small piece of Lego and not break the skin, any bones in your foot or wince.
- carry 30 lb. child on your hip with six bags of groceries in other arm while maintaining calm conversation with second child running behind.
- endure any injury or illness and still be able to drive the carpool, attend Mommy and Me classes and still use the ‘nice Mommy’ voice. (or Daddy).

Spanish 100
New Name: Dora the Explorer 100

Object: to know as much Spanish as average 3 year old princess

Clothing and Textiles 100
New Name: How to Avoid Calling Your Mother at Midnight 100

After this class you will be able to:

- thread the smallest size needle with a 3 year old pulling on your leg screaming “MR. BEAR’S TAIL CAME OFF!!!!!”
- fix the patch in jeans at midnight when you’re tired and just remembered it’s “jean’s day” tomorrow and all the jeans have holes in the knee.

Clothing and Textiles 400
New Name: You Don’t have to Fear Halloween or School Pageants 400

This senior level class will teach you to make costumes such as donkey, Winston Churchill or Spongebob, using only rags plus straws, Popsicle sticks and Styrofoam cups. (Lab fee of $500 for supplies).

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