Thursday, January 1, 2009

Great Inventions for 2009

I have compiled a list of inventions that I believe would better the human race. If you have any entrepreneurial spirit and a modicum of engineering know-how, I urge you to be the first to invent one of the following and make your own personal fortune:

1. Affordable micro GPS units. These must be very small (size of watch battery) that could be affixed to car keys, cells phones, iPods, TV remotes, stuffed animals, cordless phones. They must also be sold in multi-packs of at least 12.

The kids and I all got iPods for Christmas which is just one more thing to keep track of. Anyone that calls us with any frequency knows that they get our machine more than half the time only because with the whole family on the scavenger hunt, none of us can locate any of the FOUR cordless phones we own. Our search for stuffies and lovies at bedtime is well documented.

2. Self-shoveling sidewalks. Granted we have had an abundance of snow this year but until last night we had a stretch of 6 days with no snow. Yet, most of our neighbours did not clear their sidewalks. Husband needed snowshoes to retrieve our mail yesterday (about 4 houses away).

Now I could be mistaken, but in my school days in Edmonton, some people had sidewalks that bore neither a flake of snow nor a hint of ice. Legend had it that some people had heated sidewalks and driveways so that they didn't have to shovel. There's a place for someone to start.

3. Poo-less dogs. Now I have mentioned this before but some people cannot seem to manage the dog poo situation. In the aftermath of one large dump of snow, one rather unneighbourly neighbour walking his dog watched as his dog deposited a mound of poo on our neighbour's sidewalk. It was a brown (and steamy) dot on the otherwise white landscape. His solution? Kick some snow over it. Yeah, like that's going to make it go away. I ran to the door and was going to offer him a plastic bag, but he was already out of sight.

I will be the first in line to purchase a poo-less dog as I have no interest in managing puppy poo. Especially since we are currently working on (again) bum sparkle issues with the girlie goo. Come to think of it, she poos a lot less with a bum sparkle, so maybe that is the genesis for the poo-less pouch: doggie bum sparkles. Which brings me to my next invention.

4. Bum sparkle remover. Granted first one would have to discover what exactly a bum sparkle is, but S just went 10 days without pooing, which is one day short of her all-time record. We really need someone to get on this (and yes, we have consulted doctors and tried all the regular - pun intended - things).

5. Hot spot alarms. I once read that every house has it's "hot spots", places where stuff accumulates: unopened mail, pens, coupons, old grocery lists and magazines. Our hot spot is the kitchen table. We at best have 60% of our kitchen table to work with. The rest is piled high with school notices, craft projects, scraps of paper, food wrappers, fliers and little unidentified parts that I'm sure are crucial to the operation of something.

Despite considerable effort at the beginning of the week to clear the decks, by the end of every week, the hot spot has become a magnet for more and more miscellanea. I've tried quite a number of organizational systems and gadgets (I am Queen of the Basket) but to no avail. The only time the table gets cleared is when we invite people over, which we did a couple days ago.

So the past 2 days we've enjoyed a clear table and I've decided we need some kind of sensor alarm that will ring when we attempt to put a cordless phone (is that where they go?), empty Ziploc bag or coffee cup in the dead zone.

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All I ask for in return for these fantastic and lucrative ideas is to be a product tester so we can find more time in the week for new hobbies such as timely laundry and banishment of dust bunnies.

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